Struggles

Not all that a missionary does is dramatic events or comical moments that lead to a great ending or punch line.  I promised to share this entire journey with you and am still committed to doing that.  I said in my last post that it has been difficult to write because of the struggles.  Most of what I have experienced so far has been very positive, most has been reaffirmation from God on the reason I am here. 

I want to be clear that I am not trying to complain or look for sympathy for myself.  I had some pretty lofty goals set out for myself when I arrived in country a few months ago.    I had been told not to be disappointed if those goals were not met in my timeline but to look for them to occur at a later date.  I am finding those tidbits of advice from my leaders and seasoned missionaries to be fulfilled prophecy. 

I was recently given the book Expectations and Burnout; Women Surviving the Great Commission by Sue Eenigenburg and Robynn Bliss and asked to read it.  I am only a few chapters into the book and am feeling as though it were written to me.  I came with idealistic expectations, so when I did not meet those expectations it began to feel a bit like failure.  As I read this book I am seeing that it is not just me and these are not failures.

I’m not talking about a major event.  It is more about the little things that are wearing on me.  When we listen to the stories of missionaries they rarely tell you about the day the clothesline broke with all the clean wet clothes that you just hand washed landing in the mud.  We don’t hear about the day you started the car five times before you got it in gear and backed out your gate.  Although we may hear about language barriers we don’t realize the frustrations of not being able to get the groceries you need, can bring you to tears.  We don’t consider how a simple act like going to the market can become a major event wiping out all the energy you have.  

It is just more difficult to live here.  Simple everyday tasks such as filling the car with petrol can take hours.  It is not at all uncommon to get ready for a shower and discover as you are turning the knob that the tank has run dry or to finally sit down in front of a fan in an attempt to cool off only to have the power go out.  It is the little conveniences like being able to buy a loaf of bread that you begin to miss the most.

I was told before moving here that once on the field your life is under a magnifying glass.  That is true, but I am finding that everything seems magnified including my blessings.  I have always loved flowers and seen beauty where others simply glanced at a bloom.  Now it is not just a flower.  There is a rich velvety texture in each petal.  I see shapes and colors more clearly.  Where I once saw a graceful elegance in a flower I now see God’s love and a reminder that He is with me everywhere I look and in everything I do.  I am grateful for the trials because it seems to be making my vision clearer.

I was reminded of Romans 5:3-5 last night.

“…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  A hope that does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us.”

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